Can one person really meet all of our needs? And should they even be responsible to?
It is a question I have asked myself over the years, and with societal norms shifting and socially acceptable notions of what constitutes a relationship being re-evaluated all the time, I don’t think I am the only one.
For anyone who has been reading my work for a while, it would be quite obvious that I am not interested in labels, and this need to box everyone in, this labelling that has become so in vogue this last few years, feels to me, very limiting and stifling…it also looks like a great marketing ploy for companies and corporations, wanting to appear open minded and inclusive, all while getting people to disclose every facet of their lives, when it doesn’t need to be.
The lack of mystique is getting dull.
I recently had a scroll through a close friend’s dating app, to see what it is all about these days, and now people even list their vaccination status…don’t worry, they may be a sociopath…or worse…completely boring, but nothing to fear.
Because they have check listed themselves to high hell, like they are a pedigree labracockaspanadoodle.
Now, I am not suggesting that these unconventional unions are new, as my mum put it when I was explaining this topic in the context of a polyamorous couple “well, we just called it the 70’s, why all these labels?”
The sexual aspect is not so much what I am interested in though, it is more the complexities of having your life entangled with another person, and how while you are joining together on one pathway, you are two different people, living two entirely different experiences.
Which can get muddy, with little hidden caverns of resentment that grow into a whole secret world inside of us, when the water drops of unmet needs eventually cause an entire cave to be hollowed out in the stone foundation of our relationship, that we truly thought was well…Rock solid.
This is where connection must take place and a deep study of these unmet needs, without defensiveness and without a fierce desire for self-preservation and self-servitude, and if that is unattainable…because the emotional awareness and skills are not there, or the commitment to continue denying the needs of the other is too strong…then decisions need to be made.
No shift will take place if no one is really being seen…like really seen…not just auto-piloting through discussions and listening to have your round to speak.
But what if you don’t want to end the relationship?
What then?
You are left with two choices…well three.
Keep flogging the dead horse hoping to be heard all the while becoming bitter and resentful.
Become completely apathetic and forgo the idea of your relationship ever truly meeting your needs while dedicating your energy elsewhere.
Or.
Give up the idea of monogamy all together, and in an open and honest manner, to all parties involved, become free to give someone else the opportunity to meet you where you are…even if that is a completely non-sexual connection, but has the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual aspects…which I believe are a hell of a lot more important.
Nothing bores me faster than a partner who’s only idea of intimacy is physical satisfaction…in fact, the lack of emotional maturity and skills to connect in any other way, irritate me to the extreme.
Especially if that person makes no effort to at least meet me halfway.
I have discussed this topic with many people over the years, all of which have varying opinions. Some people think that if a relationship hits this level of conflict, difficulty finding common ground and then ultimately, no longer becoming limited to the two people it started with, then it needs to end.
I don’t agree with this, there is no cut and dry perfect path, to anything in life, people are complex beings, moving around in organic vehicles in a bizarre collective conscious, that the individual will occasionally dip out of, peering behind the veil…nothing about this life is cut and dry.
Two people can still be deeply in love (spinning through shades of hate and like, back to love again) but still find it hard to accommodate everything the other desires, we are complete beings, we may have soul connections with others, or thousands of years of karmic dances together, forever crossing paths again…and yes, while everything is interconnected, we are all connected…we are also still our own beings, with our own agency, reasonings, experiences and wants.
Can we really expect our companion to have the tools, energy, experience, time or even health, so keep up with this?
Aside from the crystalised bones of respect, support, love and honestly, can we really ask the other to also carry charisma, excitement, spontaneity, and constant adoration at every moment too? I for one don’t really want that every day, I have had those whirlwind relationships, and they are nothing short of exhausting, I have also had those kinds of trysts, and been in absolute bliss, being able to come home to my best friend and partner, back to the den, and place of comfort…that is much better.
That was an adventure, that ends while it’s still perfect, with no room to be tainted by the strains of living in the current state of monotony we are chained to in this current reality.
If someone on the outside has the power to re-energize your partner, does it even become fair to put out the flame? Maybe there is room for compromise and an open look at the roles we play in the others life, even if it is all only hypothetical. I remember a distinct time when my partner had a bond with someone else, that was platonic but also heavily flirtatious, where she became quite reliant on him at the time. I hit a point where I became furious, not because of the flirting but because at the time my partner was falling completely short of supporting me in any of my own needs but had the time for someone else.
It came to a head where I confronted her about my grievances, and I am fire when I am angry…actually, not fire…lava, pure destruction sacrifice everyone to the volcano, lava.
You know how that went?
Really well actually, she was quick to see where I was coming from, and being another incredibly fire filled and upfront woman, said to me…” I like you; I like how you tell It how it is” and I have had immense love and respect for her ever since, she remains one of my favourite people.
I also couldn’t help but notice that she made my partner happy, he needs that admiration like a fish needs water, it gave him a little pep in his step! And I didn’t mind that, because not only was he happy and felt seen, that energy was something I also benefitted from.
I too had my own outside connection, that was less about fun and flirting, although it was there, but more about giving me the deep musings on life I need like a bird needs wings…It was about getting up at 4am to sit on the beach with a smoke and a beer, while discussing the whole universe with someone who was almost a mirror image of me, which was a great lesson in every way, and while ultimately it ended, and we both got burnt, and burnt-out from running amok and fuelling the more toxic sides of each other, what I learnt was invaluable.
It also benefitted my partner, because it took the pressure off him to accommodate the more difficult parts of myself, the ranting into the night sky for hours about everything from ancient symbolism to why I detest real estate agents so much.
I also had someone to binge drink coffee with and burn stacks of incense, something that would send my partner into fits of overstimulated, caffeine induced rage and possibly hacking a lung up over.
Which reminds me of the first time I ever got to visit a beautiful apothecary, that I had wanted to visit since it opened, and finally I had a day away from my toddler and together with my partner. I was in heaven, browsing oils and herbs with a thick haze of incense smoke filling the room and floating out the doorway.
I said to the shop assistant, who was stoned to high heaven, how much I loved the smell, and as my partner was in the same doorway, peering in from under his dark sunglasses and coughing loud and dramatically enough, someone might call an ambulance, she said “Oh yes! We burn it to keep the bad energy away”.
Yep, sounds legit to me.
I mean, my partner never crossed the threshold, I’ll take five sticks!
Maybe, we need a little conflict with our partners, to learn new lessons, even if that is how to be more patient, or to highlight and illuminate the not-so-great parts of ourselves that could benefit with a closer look.
I think one of the things that will really show you where you both stand is this, if they asked you for something, would you ultimately do it for them? And vice-versa…can in moments where it really matters, you both put everything aside, and be there?
That will give you your answer.
It begs the question, in harmonious unions that never suffer any blows, is there really room for growth? Or is that a breeding ground for things to become, dare I say, stagnant. Interactions between people are fascinating and when two people lean in a little further when some kind of deeper connection takes place, it can be shamefully shut off with feelings of guilt, or it can be explored with respect and honesty.
Does that mean I want my cake and to eat it too?
Well fuck.
Call me Marie Antoinette.
